Amiram Hayardeny’s BigMouth

Not the end you think.  I was actually referring to the end of a TV show.

For quite some time, maybe as long as a full year, friends have been telling me about a “must see” TV show.  The level of enthusiasm was somewhere between excited and lunatic.  And while curiosity is my middle name, I took my time.  After all House had a few more patients to be rude to, and Start Trek had a few more places to visit in the Delta Quadrant.  But curiosity, as it may imply, does its job picking at the brain to the point where you actually go to the video store, see the show and decide to actually get it.  The first season only though.  I never thought that multiple seasons should be purchased upfront, before the quality, interest, added value can be established.

But truthfully, I wasn’t that excited.  The name of the show implied a lot of noise, for a singular event.  If you wish, a two year buildup of a storm that ends up in a single shower.  Tons of smoke and ashes ending up in a single small, minor eruption of a volcano.  Get the drift?

Prison Break, by definition is the act of, well, let me think how to say it, breaking out of prison.  It’s a one time thing.  You get into prison, and you break out.  I believe that the show actually aired three years ago, counting about twenty two episodes per season, I assumed that it meant a volcanic storm.  A major buildup for something next to nothing.  So my expectations weren’t very high to begin with.

After cleaning the fish tank, watering the plants, pumping the cornered bicycle with a manual pump, and washing the clean dishes, I ran out of excuses, and Dorit and I sat down to watch the pilot.

It was a grand moment.  We felt like we are part of some mysterious, obscure cult, which secretly convenes after the children went to sleep to watch something suspenseful and intriguing.  I wasn’t disappointed.  As it turns out, though, I ran out of luck.  The worst possible scenario happened.  I thought it was boring.  Dorit loved it.  We have to watch it.  As we enjoy each other’s company, parting during prime time is not an option.

There are many shows that I like.  Many shows I don’t, but at least I understand why other people like them.  For the life of me I don’t understand why people like this show.  Is it the squinting that happens once every two minutes, when the leading character surveys his surroundings trying to make sense of it?  Is it just the prison setting?  The conspiracy?  The script is shallow, predictable, and as full of holes as Swiss cheese.  A funny error (I think it’s an error anyway) is a VHS videotape of the “murder”.  The tape is watched multiple times, and each time, the subtitle “rec” is shown as part of the tape.  Now, I’m not a professional photographer, but as far as I know the “rec” subtitle only shows on the monitor while you’re recording, but it doesn’t show on the tape.  By the way, if you choose to watch the tape on the camera itself, the subtitle would say “play”…

I like to watch shows with objectives.  Shows that present a problem, a bug if you will, whether it’s a murder, or a sickness, or even a new race of aliens in the Betazoid System.  The plot continues as multiple reasonings are used, possible solutions are presented and scrapped, and then, finally, in a climactic scene, the actual solution is presented.  What’s the point in a problem that continues on and on and on, for multiple seasons?  And as for the question in the title?  Lets guess.  The brother on death row is put to death, while the other brother gets out on parole and marries the lawyer.  Right.  Let me guess again.  They run away, for two seasons they dodge the secret service, until finally their innocence is proven on the fourth season.  One of the brothers marries the lawyer.  End of story until the next bore is released.

I guess I’ll have to make up for it with more popcorn…

 Share

It all started with some strange guy who started warning about “global warning” a few years ago. Many heard the news item and thought - there’s another lunatic with a warning. They all remembered Nostradamus, and his friends in every century, who diligently predicted the end of the world. Prophecies which were updated as soon as they didn’t come true. Turn of centuries, midnights, full moons, sun storms, comets, all came and went, and the earth people (that’s us) remained. They didn’t repent, they didn’t pray, they continued to invent new stuff which created more warnings, which never came true, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Then came the warning about the melting of the icebergs. Some concerns were registered, particularly in the far northern hemisphere, where most residents are Eskimos and seals. Most of the population just turned to one another and said “oh well”, and went on to the local pub for a drink. Next came a really scary news piece about the rising temperatures, and that apparently the last decade was the hottest on record or something. Some eyebrows were raised, but most people went on to the beach, were the warm breeze took off the edge of the outstanding heat. Life went on.

Then WNN aired some really really disturbing footage about the cities along the shores of the oceans, and that in a few years, they will all be covered in seawater. People in those cities went outside and checked whether their windows and doors will be above the new sea level, and same for their favorite stores, pubs, parks and so on. They also went ahead and checked that aunt Petunia’s home would definitely be covered with water, and so would be the police station. Once that was out of the way, they went on with their business. The ones who discovered that their homes will most likely be underwater, took a few sessions with the local psychotherapist, to refresh their denial techniques. They too went back to the annual barbecue which was producing smoke as much as the local utility’s chimney.

Then the media claimed with absolute certainty that the “permafrost in Russia” is melting, and that will let out millions of metric tons of some unknown Methane gas into the atmosphere, doubling the amount of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere in a very short time. There was some anxiety, but it turned out to be unrelated. It was about the local football team losing miserably this season. The people remembered from their biology classes that methane is also produced when sheep in New Zealand fart. So, they said, what’s another real big sheep flatulence? They went on to walk the dog, who happened to have had chilly for dinner…

Then came the food shortages, which was the result of the droughts, which was a direct result to the warming of the earth, and the lack of rain. Desertification became a word known by every single third grader. But that was more because of that show “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?” than because of the actual drought. Some nervous breakdowns were recorded around the world, but WNN aired a piece about desert resorts, and everyone calmed down and booked their vacations early. Prices skyrocketed.

Nobody got too excited over the “dying of the rain forests”. Many people just said they can do without them, and the rain is really needed elsewhere…

Then the earth was on fire. Literally. Wildfires were spotted everywhere, burning everything in their way. But it was too late already. The earth burned, then the ice melted, the cities were covered with water, there was no food, water was contaminated, livestock around the world died of plagues, the earth died. So did we.

I don’t know if global warming is real, and if it is how real and how quick it is. But just in case it is, don’t you want to do something about it?

 Share

A married couple seeks counseling from the village pastor. They are obviously upset. They stand before the pastor, and the pastor asks what brings them over. The man says that they just had a baby boy, and they can’t agree on a name. The husband wants to name him after his father, and the wife wants to name him after hers. The pastor asks the husband what his father name was. “Jacob” comes the answer. Then he asks the wife for her father’s name, and the wife says “Jacob”. Then the pastor asks the husband what was his father’s occupation, and he says “my late father, may he rest in peace was a petty thief”. To the same question, the wife answers “he was a good-for-nothing bum and drunk”. The pastor then says to the frustrated couple: “why don’t you name him Jacob and wait”. He takes a sip of his hot tea and adds: “if he turns out to be a petty thief, then he was named after your father” he says to the husband. He turns to the wife and says: “And if he turns out to be a good-for-nothing bum and drunk”, then he certainly is named after yours.

Funny? Arguably so. Hilarious? Probably not. But try to tell this joke to a lady I love with all my heart: my mother. Her facial expression will not change even a little, she will most certainly not laugh. She will, however, start an inquiry: “but they both had the same name, didn’t they?”, “what if the boy turns out neither a thief nor a bum?”. And then the following statement will come: “this joke isn’t funny”.

It’s quite discouraging to tell a joke to an audience made up of people like my mother. For sure, there’ll be no laughter. There may be a lot of questioning, with a conclusion at the end that may encourage you to become a stamp collector rather than a comedian. My mother-in-law is not too far behind. In fact, I was thinking, if I could get both of them into Carnegie Hall, with no choreography and no script, and absolutely no preparation, sell tickets and just let them tell jokes to each other, I would be the proud owner of an over night smash hit. I can imagine people laughing out of breath.

But seriously, what constitutes a good joke? And even more interesting, what constitutes a sense of humor?

I found two definitions. Humor: the trait of appreciating (and being able to express) the humorous; (http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=sense%20of%20humor)
Humor: the ability or quality of people, objects, or situations to evoke feelings of amusement in other people. The term encompasses a form of entertainment or human communication which evokes such feelings, or which makes people laugh or feel happy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sense_of_humor)

In short, the ability to tell jokes in a way that makes people laugh, and to laugh at a good joke (agreeably a subjective issue), constitutes the presence of a sense of humor. Clearly, some have it, some don’t.

And what constitutes a good joke? I really can’t tell. But it may have something to do with expectations. Read this (http://www.maddogproductions.com/ds_expectations.htm), you may find it funny, or at least interesting.

Last but not least: would you consider the following a good joke? A married couple is having a conversation. Out of nowhere the husband asks his wife if she would consider changing positions. She goes: “of course, love! why don’t you come here and do the ironing, while I sit and burp in front of the TV…”

Have a funny day!

 Share