Have you ever dated someone who felt, how shall I put it? a little difficult? Arguments were springing out of nowhere, about the most unimportant matters. In fact, sometimes you would feel that the relationship is, again, what’s the word? laborious? You were becoming tense, sensitive, upset. You were looking for good (or not so good) reasons to work late, to take the extra business trips to remote places, particularly difficult customers…
And all through this time, you were sharing the difficulties with your friends, and some of them, if not all, said: “you’re complementing each other”, or “negatives attract”, and my favorite worst: “otherwise, it would be boring”.
I feel somewhat qualified to refer to this eternal dilemma. I was married twice. The first marriage was with the opposite, or rather the opposition. The second marriage is much more agreeable, and trust me, not very boring.
Let me explain. I am a Jewish Israeli, child of a Holocaust survivor from Romania and a Sephardic Israeli who was born in Jerusalem, but whose ancestors came from Spain and Turkey. I come from a mildly traditional family, who always thought that God is OK, for as long as He doesn’t interfere with everyday life. I come from a relatively liberal home, that placed education in first place, followed closely by discipline, manners, moral, and honesty. My parents, having had no childhoods, having suffered significant difficulties growing up, tried their absolute best to provide everything for their children. Growing up in middle class Israel, there was no frivolous spending, but the word “no” was never heard when it came to education. All men of the family served in the military. It was not an easy place for growing up, but in retrospect, I can state clearly: I come from a good home.
My ex also came from a good home, but it was nothing like the one I came from. Her parents are American of Polish descent, who placed religion first and foremost. Their family fled Europe before the war, and although they have left family behind, they never experienced hunger, persecution, or physical danger. Her parents were comfortable but not rich, they gave their children good education and a good start. Helping them financially, though, was not a priority. A ceremonial artifact for the practicing of the religion was undoubtedly more important than helping one of their children with the mortgage payment for example. It was a philosophy.
Anyway, this was not meant for glorification of my family and the defamation of hers. I believe we both came from reasonable, yet very different backgrounds. A fact that caused many difficulties in our life together, and eventually to its demise. The constant bickering, arguing about everything, agreeing on nothing - from children education, to religious practices, to even brand names of groceries, life was too challenging, too difficult, in fact, it became too easy to give up. When the time came, the decision to leave was instantaneous, and was never regretted not once, not even a little, for the last dozen years to the day.
So guys and girls. If you are dating someone from a different background, someone with different values. If you’re dating someone who makes you feel like every issue is like pulling teeth. If you feel that even the smallest points take endless negotiations. If you feel that you are giving up a little, then a little more, then more still. If you get up one morning and you feel that there’s nothing left for you to give up anymore. If you get to that point, let me promise you. You guys do not complement each other, negatives do not attract, and boring, in the sense that life at home is agreeable, is good. Move on, you both deserve better.
An interesting twist I’m facing now, is that my ex-wife sometimes tries to remind me to “remember the good things”, and to “not make it all bad”. But unfortunately, I simply can’t. It does look all bad to me, and I can’t seem to be able to remember the “good stuff”. I’m sorry, there’s no bad party here, nor is there blame. Life in that relationship, though, was not worth living. Apologies.
