I took Guy downstairs to ride his scooter, a very unusual event. And with good reason. Watching Guy riding his scooter, his bicycle or even playing on the monkey bars isn’t good for my health. Every time he falls, or seems to fall, or about to fall, or is standing next to a child that might fall in the next hour or so, my heart starts beating out of rhythm. I usually ask my wife, Dorit, to watch Guy playing or riding. I’m good at reading stories, playing computer games, and jigsaw puzzles. The couch potato games…
Anyway, I’m standing there, recovering from Guy’s last maneuver, and there she was. A young woman, shabby looking with a floor touching skirt, an out of fashion out of season hat, sandals, and a huge nap sack. In retrospect, she was looking precisely as she was supposed to look, but she was so out of context, that I was completely thrown. She was all smiles, and she introduced herself, in Hebrew. I extended my hand, and the answer was surprising at the time, but not so in retrospect. It was: “I don’t shake hands, but my husband does”. Providing a few pieces of completely irrelevant data: she’s married, uninterested in strange men, and that she is a practicing religious Jew. As I said, irrelevant. Then came the next surprise. She actually was interested. Well, not that way. She was interested in making the acquaintance. Israelis, particularly when they are living outside of Israel tend to flock. It’s not an unusual thing, nor a bad one, it’s just a fact. Everyone likes to have the company of his or her own kind on occasion. In the absence of family, it’s a great substitute.
But in fact, religious Jews in Beijing in general, and in our apartment complex in particular are as common as fish on bicycles, scuba diving birds, or flying baboons. No offense meant of course. In retrospect, I was very disappointed at my own reaction. The offense deserved some reaction. We continued the conversation, I handed her my number, and we parted. What I should have done is to say: “I don’t talk to strange women, but my wife does”. But I was brought up differently. Courtesy comes natural to me. In order to not offend someone I’m willing to go to great distances. I will eat strange foods, take part in strange ceremonies, I will be polite, and well mannered.
Amazingly, Judaism preaches to just that. There’s a famous proverb in Hebrew which suggests “The Way of the Land Precedes the Torah” (דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה). In other words, respect and courtesy come first, religion second. But this isn’t practiced anymore, unfortunately. Moreover. The original Judaism is very aware of personal relationships. In fact, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, only covers the relationship between a man and his Creator. What it doesn’t cover is the relationship between man and man. In other words, if someone didn’t follow the word of God, they can repent on the Day of Atonement. But if someone hurt another human being, they can fast and pray year round, and it won’t be forgiven, until the person goes and asks for forgiveness. From the hurting person that is. But unfortunately again, this too was put aside. Forgotten.
I was offended, I was hurt. And the additional data provided only made me feel worse. I was only being polite. And I’m willing to bet, that the real Jewish women, who care about God, but also care about their fellow human beings, would shake my hand even if it was inappropriate. After all, if that was a sin, Day of Atonement would take care of it. Now, she has to look me up and ask for my forgiveness…
But there’s more. Is a relationship between our families possible? According to their practice, they can’t eat even a bread crumb at our house, not a glass of water. We can’t go out to restaurants, there’s only one kosher restaurant in entire Beijing, and it’s way too expensive and way too unrewarding. We can’t watch a movie, we can’t walk in the park on Saturdays. Truly, there’s nothing we can do together except one. The usual scenario is simple. Real simple. We can get invited to a “Shabbat Meal”, usually a Friday night dinner or Saturday lunch. We can practice their ceremonies – wash our hands before the meal, recite the prayers before and after the meal, sing some special poems and songs. Supposedly, not a big deal for us, except “experiencing a little Yiddishkeit” – Judasim, become “closer”. For them, it’s the opportunity to get a completely secular (some even atheist) family a little closer to Judaism. I hear that you score some good points with the Man upstairs for that.
Well, my friend, I’ll have to disappoint you. It won’t work. The reason is simple, and short. Been there, done that. I graduated from a Yeshiva (yes, for those of you who had no idea, particularly you, who think I’m the exemplary atheist – I’m sorry for not disclosing earlier), and my ex wife is a religious Jew. I spent more time in synagogues than I care to admit, and recited way too many prayers already. I want my children, at least the ones who live with me, to grow free of this burden. I want them to be curious, inquisitive, and to learn to live with unanswered questions. And in answer to your unasked question: no, I’m not a self-hating Jew. In fact, I’m proud of it.
And yes, I forgive you.
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